This is completely absurd. I think I've mentioned in NUMEROUS posts about how I've had nothing to do for the last 4 months or so. I've practically been inventing work to do, just to stay sorta busy. Now, out of nowhere, without so much as one word to me, I'm more busy than any human should be. I was in Miami in meetings on Friday & Monday. I was given a crazy amount of things that I need to handle "ASAP". So it's now Thursday and I still have not processed all the info from Friday and none of the info for Monday. I was out measuring a 5,000 sq. ft. condo on Tuesday. I had to measure all furniture, take pics and notes. I don't measure folks. I'm an in the office chick. Whatever, I really shouldn't complain, b/c I've been begging for stuff to do. I have not processed the info from Tuesday. I have meeting minutes that I need to type up... you guessed it "ASAP". I just got a barrage of emails from my boss Jerry of a bunch of things that he wants me to handle..."ASAP". I'm not even kidding. I'm not overexaggerating. The worst part is that we are losing one of our draftspeople (my old job) on Friday. Most of my tasks have been drafting. That was the main reason I quit back in August - I don't want to draft anymore.

I'm really really really pissed. I shouldn't have even taken time out to write this, but I'm so pissed right now. Why can't my job be better? Why can't I be happier about it? I talked to my coworker Rob and he's just as fed up. The worst part is that Jerry won't give me a raise but he'll talk freely about spending $30,000 for one weekend to go to the Kentucky Derby. That is almost my year's salary... yes I make more than that, but comeon 30,000...WTF!!!!

I'm probably not even making sense and you'd all probably just need to be a fly on the wall for the week. I'm so just pissed that everything has sped up to this ridiculous speed... I almost feel like I'm being set up for failure.

I forgot to let everyone know that I ordered a custom shirt. I know that you have all waited with bated breath to hear this announcement. You see a little while ago I was introduced to Engrish.com (http://venus97402.livejournal.com/33094.html#cutid1). There was this shirt there:



I actually went to customglamgirls.com and had that shirt made in baby blue. I haven't worn it yet, but it's awesome. Well, I have now found my next custom shirt that I want:



Just awesome.

In other news, I'm meeting with a graduate school adviser to discuss my getting a master's in education... I'm a little nervous. I haven't taken the GRE and I really need to start studying. The weird thing is that I've actually been given work to do at work - which is odd, b/c I've been left to my own devices for the last 3 months. Whatever, it helps the day go a little bit faster.

That's pretty much it for today. I'm looking forward to getting out of here, going to the gym, showering and going to bed.

Ok... good news. I spoke with my Dad last night about the whole, "You're being too ambitious oh poor one comment." Everything is looking much better. He started out by saying that it took me 2 years to get the 12 credits and the tests out of the way, so he thought it was ambitious of me to want to spend like 4 years doing the rest. I was all... woah there papi... it did not take 2 years, it was 2 semesters :P. Well, that changed his outlook. So we talked about me going and speaking with a graduate studies adviser. I'm going to try calling today to get that appointment set up. I should also look into prepping for the GRE. I feel much better this morning, b/c even though I should be able to make decisions on my own, it is REALLY nice to have some support.

It was nice just being able to tell my parents that I needed to do something. Even just heading in the right direction can help me hang on in the current job. I think the issue is when I feel like I'm stagnant, I feel like I'm dying a slow and painful death. Even better was that my mom (who isn't usually the kindest person when it comes to others problems) actually said that she feels that my talents/skills have been wasted and I've been treated unfairly and poorly. I was flabbergasted that she said that. Of course that's how I've felt, but once again... it's really nice to have someone confirm things.

My to do list for today:
1. Call FAU to set up an appt. with a graduate studies adviser.
2. Look online at next semesters course offerings.
3. Do the 1 hour of actual work that I have.
4. Putz around and contemplate my meaning in the world :)

( spoiled survey - stolen, I mean borrowed from elizabethann )

I decided that I was maybe possibly gonna try to get my master's in education. I emailed my dad. Dad proceeded to piss on my parade. "Don't you think that's a bit ambitious? What about your financial situation?"

Definitions of ambition on the Web:

* a cherished desire; "his ambition is to own his own business"
* a strong drive for success
* have as one's ambition

Gee, I don't know about you... but this is something I want my kid to have. I just am so sick of feeling helpless. I responded to him by asking him to help me come up with other options. Like don't just push me down and then not offer to help me up. It's like... he's my dad. Yeah - the same Dad who in my last post I called level headed and super intelligent. I take his opinion really seriously. I feel like he's basically telling me that I'm not capable to go and get my master's. Yet my sister... the one in New Zealand, who is like a perfect specimen of a child and not a black sheep like me, is going to get her master's when she comes back to the states. It's not too ambitious for her. Thanks for making me feel like an idiot, dad.

So, I made the decision to go back to seeing my therapist. Before ya'll start thinking I'm a psycho nut and need meds... it's not like that. I just need a sounding board. Therapy really helped me out through a rough time about a year ago and before I continue on this downward spiral, I'd like to stop it.

I guess I'm more pissed b/c I really wanted my dad to say, "Hey that's a great idea and if it makes you happy, then let's discuss it." Let this be a parenting lesson to me. I don't ever want Nathaniel to feel like this.

This weekend, I did a whole lot of nothing. It was actually pretty much like the week that preceded it. I'm not saying this is a bad thing... I didn't really feel motivated to do anything. On Friday, I picked Nate up from school and somehow managed to talk myself into going to the gym for a kickbox class. I think I bribed myself with some shopping or something :P. After kickbox, I heard from Josh (juliemag's husband). Julie was out of town this week and he was bored, lonely, bored and hungry. Did I say bored? So Nate and I went to CJ's with him for dinner and then we decided to watch a movie at my house. I selected "A History of Violence". He'd already seen it, but there was nothing else there that he wanted to see.


A History of Violence
This movie was great. I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet so I don't know about comparing them, but DAMN why didn't someone get an Oscar for this. There's this once scene where Viggo Mortensen has this face... let's just say I had me some chills hardcore. His performance was great. Although I didn't see the movie Hidalgo... I'm just gonna have to go with my gut instinct on this and say it was his best performance.

Okay, so Josh left, I went to bed. Got up the next morning and Nate and I went to the gym. I did my Hippity Hop class which I enjoy so much. After that I talked to wizzbiff about possibly getting motivated to do something. Yeah... that motivation never came. I guess I didn't place my order soon enough. I did go to Target and get the PERFECT lamps for my bedroom:



Beautiful... like perfection. I can't speak highly enough of these lamps. I'm in love!!! I will be posting pics of my bedroom as soon as I finish the decorating process (which has been going on for ::cough cough:: 4-5 months).

Ok... so then comes the next movie of the day. Nate had asked his principal at school if he could borrow the cinematic wonder called: "We're Back: A Dinosaur Story". I have several words for this movie. Cure for insomnia would a few.



Let's just say I can't give a full review on this movie, b/c I slept through the ENTIRE thing. Seriously. I put the movie in and proceeded to pass out. Nate was cute, he cuddled with me on the couch and after the movie he tried to fill me in on the important story lines. We do have it for an entire week, Nate reminded me and he would let me watch it again. Oh bless you child. Mommy likes naps. :)

Then came Saturday night. Now you'd think that a single, happening girl like myself would be out and about. Not so much, b/c I had another movie to watch. SO.WORTH.IT. Screw having drinks bought for me by sketchy men. Screw dancing to "Don'tcha" by the Pussycat dolls. I stayed home and watched, "Walk the Line". This movie was just as great as everyone made it out to be. I really enjoyed it. The singing was great, the acting was great, Joaquin was GREAT and super hotness (even when he was obliterated outta his mind).


Walk the Line with Senor hotness and his Mistress O' hotness

Went to bed after that and woke up in time for church on Sunday. I worked in children's church. Funny side story... Kids nowadays are screwed. This little girl during prayer time said the following: "I wanna pray for my friend because her mommy married this lady. The lady acts like a husband man." Wow. Just. Wow. Well, after church I was supposed to go workout with Jason. He called to cancel b/c he still is feeling sick. It's all good, b/c I still don't feel 100%. So instead Nate and I went and had lunch with Marina, Josh and Julie at Quizno's. SO FREAKING GOOD. After that, we (Nate and I) went to Wal-Mart. I succumbed and bought Sims 2. I'm such a loser. :)

Sunday night... time for (you guessed it) another movie!!! I had gotten "Rory O'Shea Was Here" from Blockbuster Online.



This movie was heartwarming, sweet, inspiring, and all the other words that critics use. Here's a good review of the movie: http://www.boxofficemojo.com/reviews/?id=1746&p=.htm. I really enjoyed it. Surprisingly enough, the main characters were played by non-disabled actors. This is especially stunning considering the performance of the actor who played Michael. I really enjoyed this movie. I will admit that I am fairly easily entertained but this movie was well done and yeah. So there... see it and be the judge.

That ends my weekend. Just a 2 day weekend filled with lots of movies. Now I'm back at the office... I've started looking into career testing and other services that the local colleges here offer. I think my first step in the positive direction is to determine what I want to be when I grow up. It appears that I've become an adult. Whoops! I missed the memo. I might need to get some more schooling... I might just need to take a leap of faith. I may even need to take a pay cut (oh the horror). I think at this point I am ready to do whatever as long as it's something happy and filled with unicorns and glitter.

( Oh!!! I almost forgot - my homework for Liz: )

So, quick background - My baby daddy goes to the same gym that I go to. Fine, I guess that's allowed. However, what stinks is that I saw his car today when I was exiting the gym. "What's the big deal, Eleanor?" The big deal is that Gerard has been on this kick about how he's working 2 jobs and that's why he can't see Nate on his weekends. I can't stand liars. I see his car there at times when he is supposedly working. When Nate asks me about daddy and if he's going to see him, I always say, "Do you want me to call him for you?". Nate responds with Yes and I do. I have now left 4 messages that all say basically the same thing. "Nate was asking about you and when you were going to see him. Can you please call me and talk to him? He'd really appreciate that."
Well, I've decided kinda better out than in - so since I will not confront Gerard (b/c he's too thick to understand), I'm typing an open letter. It's probably going to be accurate for most dead beat dads.

Dear Gerard,
It is amazing to me that at 32 years old, you are perfectly content to live a selfish and lonely life. I know per your mom that you're not dating anyone and you have no friends. You probably don't still have 2 jobs, b/c it's highly likely that you've been fired from one if not both of them by now. I can't believe that you would rather live your life without Nate than with. Nate's a really cool kid. It's a shame that you really don't know that. I think that if you took the entire amount of hours that you have spent with Nate in his 5 years that it would probably equal to 3 months total. Wow! That astounds me. I know that you think that Nate completely idolizes you (why, I'll never know). That is not going to last forever. At some point he will realize what a selfish prick you are and he won't want you to see him. Your time to bond with him is quickly vanishing. The periods when he asks about you are getting farther and farther apart. I know it probably doesn't sadden you b/c all you think about is you. That would devastate me. At this point, I would rather you just keep your child support and lose my number. It's not like you've been a consistent force in his life at all. You are probably the most inconsistent thing in his world and someday he will loathe you for that. Pull your shit together. Although, you are 32 and pretty stuck in your ways. So I guess keep on being a child that has his home paid for by mommy and his bills (including child support) paid for by mommy. It's only a matter of years before she passes and then what will you do? I'll tell you right now that I won't be here for you.
Stop and think of the emotional damage you are doing to Nate. My only prayer is that the love and support that I provide to him will keep him grounded and secure.

I really wish that the mere sight of his car wouldn't get me so mad. I literally wanted to hurl poop at it. That's not really a rational thought. I'm just so glad that Nate didn't recognize it.

Ok... so I've been hinting at(or uh... rather talking quite a lot about) my upsetness with life. I've decided that I just need to get it all out in one entry and it may be rather strongly worded. So, if you have delicate eyes and ears please just forgive me. I usually try to stay away from tirades but yeah... I'm not today.

1. I am going to have to pay over $2,000 fucking dollars to have my teeth and Nate's teeth fixed. This is embarrassing, painful and downright pisses me off. I don't have this money to spend and I'm trying to pay my damn credit cards off and this just puts a major kink in that plan.

2. I wok up yesterday morning with my left eye completely swollen shut. I went to work and then promptly left b/c it's tricky to work with only one eye (and that eye isn't really all that functional). I went home and slept until 4:00pm b/c that was the only way to get any kind of relief. Then I went to my eye doctor. He confirmed that my cornea is inflamed and I have an infection. Go to the desk to pay and the bill is $288.00. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?>!?!>!?@>!?$32%@#$%^@#$ Granted, I was picking up new contacts that cost $159.00. Whatever. Then I go to get the eye drops he has prescribed for me. 90 mother fucking bones. ARE YOU KIDDING!! So in the span of 2 hours, I spent $378.00 on my eyes. I get home and I'm freaking out. What does my mom ask? "Eleanor, did you remember to get the peeps for Nate's Easter party? Oh and don't forget to give Dad your receipt for the meds for your taxes next year." Are you insane woman? I'm a little preoccupied with my emotionally fragile state and your talking about marshmallow candies and taxes for 2007. She got all huffy with me and I swear I was thisclose to saying, "Don't make this about you! Tomorrow can be your day to be freaking out. Tonight it's my turn BITCH!"

3. I have absolutely nothing to do at work. I have voiced my concern with my boss and it seems that he is perfectly fine just paying me to sit and play on the internet. This is depressing. It also means that I have NO hope in getting a raise that quite frankly at this point, I really need (not want... NEED). I have no hope in feeling any kind of accomplishment at work and as each day passes, I'm getting more and more depressed.

4. I really want to date someone. Of course, in my current emotional state I know this is a ridiculous notion. My stupid internal clock is ticking the loudest it ever has and its killing me. It also doesn't help that Nate is constantly asking me for a baby brother. CAN'T DO IT KID!!!! FIRST I NEED A HUSBAND!!!!!

5. I'm still not fully recovered from having a cold/sore throat like 2 weeks ago. My nose is still runny and my throat is still swollen. I cannot take any more time off to go to the doctor. Plus, I don't really like my primary care doctor and I really do not want to hear him tell me that I need to lose weight and go see a dermatologist. I might have ta slap a bitch.

6. I know that my current physical state is b/c of my current mental state. I feel like I'm completely losing my mind and I might just need to start seeing my therapist again before I lose it. I'm constantly on the verge of tears and I don't like feeling like this. This is not who I am and it's really bothering me.

7. I really want to be able to buy some property here. I have no money for downpayment and I really need to get my debt in order. I'm working on this, but it's like climbing up a wall that has been covered in lard. I feel like all my money goes to bills (as I'm sure most people feel). I'm living paycheck to paycheck. I just feel like at my age, I should be living on my own.

That feels better getting it out there. Something has to happen... and it's probably within me. I know that the one thing that I can control is how I react to all of my situations. I also need to realize the positive in my life. I have excellent friends, Nate is healthy/happy and has been extremely well behaved recently. I'm not homeless and I'm not terminally ill. This is all going to pass and in a year I'll look back and wonder why the heck was I freaking out so much.

I think the roughest thing is that I feel like I have no hope right now. That's the biggest problem. Feeling hopeless sucks so badly, I can't even define it.

It's that time again!!! I went to the gym today and had measurements done. This is all very exciting to me. I feel SOOO healthy - look in awe children and be jealous.
So here's the latest results:



Since Jan 2, I have lost:
&rArr 24 pounds
&rArr 3.8% body fat
&rArr 3/4" in my neck, 1-1/2" in my upper arm, 3/4" in my forearm, 2-1/2" in my chest, 2-1/2" in my waist, 3-1/2" in my hips, 2" in my thigh.

( Super seductive pics of the new improved Eleanor )

( All about my Senior Year )

In other news, I have decided this fifth day of April in the year two thousand and six of our Lord, that I am no longer going to waste my time with people that are emotionally and physically unavailable to me. And when I say people... I mean men/boys. And when I say men/boys... I mean specifically my super hottie trainer. Sure he's nice enough and I still consider him a friend. I'm just not going to think that there will ever be a future for us. Instead, I will be purchasing a russian male order husband. Okay... so I'm not really (I don't know Russian). However, I will now be taking applications for my future boyfriend. Please have a job, a car and your head on straight. K thanks!

I am pissed. Uber stressed and pissed.... did I say I was pissed again???

Today, I took off work to take care of health related things. This morning I spent 2 hours at a Gyno appt. with a new doctor. He seems... aight. The problem there was my veins. They needed to do bloodwork and my veins were like, "no way, jose". Apparently, I was super dehydrated. Who woulda thunk? I now have 2 little marks on both arms. I seriously thought I was gonna pass out. Yes, I'm a wimp. I didn't pass out, but by God, they didn't get their blood. SOOOOOO, I have to go back!!!!! WHAT. (I hate given blood).

The next adventure was the dentist for Nate and I. Let's just say that it wasn't how you say... successful. Now before you cry out and call me a Nasty Mc Nastyton. I brush 3 times a day... I floss most every day at least for 2 of the brushings. I do also chew gum like I'm addicted. ok. So here it goes (I can't believe I'm about to type this)...

Including our visit today to the dentist, I'm going to need to spend $2174.00 at the dentist to take care of cavities for me and Nate. Nate has one. I have, possibly, 8. OH MY GOODNESSSSSSSSSS. I want to scream, but I don't want to scare Nate. WWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT In the WOOOOOOORRRLDDDD. $2, freaking 174 and freaking 0 cents. Wowza. I guess I better start whoring myself out or become a stripper. Where am I gonna get that kinda money? I feel so dirty. I feel like you're all pointing and laughing at me. I swear my teeth are nice and not black and ready to fall out.


I'm so pissed. Who wants to donate money? :P

green_ink has introduced me to this wonderful site: www.engrish.com. Apparently, I'm a late bloomer. I'm okay with that. I have been reading this site all day - seriously. My english at this point is suffering, but my giggles are not. People in my office think I'm having choking/coughing attacks... No, I'm just trying to cover up my laughter. It's damn hard with stuff this funny!

( Without further ado )